


You Exploded Into My Heart

by Crazy_dreamer95



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, angsty, they're both too gay and Lexa is obvious AF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-23 18:46:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8338681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_dreamer95/pseuds/Crazy_dreamer95
Summary: Despite the world being at peace, Clarke and Lexa have never had the time to discuss their feelings.They manage to find the time when Clarke is standing on a landmine. They've never been too good with their timing after all.(3x07 never happened, Lexa is alive, Pike is gone, the world is peaceful and great).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this one for a while, and I really hope you guys enjoy it :) I've been working on trying to use descriptions more instead of dialogue, so let's see how that turned out aye
> 
> (Also, title is from the song Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straights)

Peacetime on the ground was vastly different from war time. When Clarke visited Polis for a meeting with the Commander and other Ambassadors, she was surprised to see the streets packed with people – warriors, families and children alike. Instead of discussing battle strategies and losses on the battlefield, they talked of new trade routes and crop development. The Commander held herself with pride as she informed her Ambassadors of the increased health of their people, of the partnership with the Sky People in the development of new medicines and treatment of disease. People were flourishing in the few short months of peace.

Since Pike’s disposal and the imprisonment of his followers, the Sky People had proved themselves worthy of their place in the coalition. Arkadia became the main source of medical treatment and training, with people from other clans travelling for days to seek help. More than one hundred babies had been safely delivered in the medical bay under Abby Griffin’s supervision.

Raven and Monty were working with some of the older Arkadian technicians to rebuild electricity lines, running water, and telecommunications. It was a massive task, one that would probably take generations to see into fruition, but it was a start. They were able to build solar panels to maintain energy stores in Arkadia, something that everyone was pleased about. Once again they were able to enjoy some of the pleasantries from when they were in space – TV being one of them.

On a visit to Arkadia, Clarke had invited Lexa to the old recreation room which had remained intact. She watched in amusement when the usually stoic Commander’s eyes widened in delight at the images on the TV screen. They sat for hours, with Clarke explaining the rules of soccer to Lexa, or delving into intricate plot details of her favourite movie. At the end of the day Lexa promised to be back soon, eager to learn more about old world technology.

Clarke had found herself as the trusted figure head of the Sky People – representing them in the Coalition and bargaining on their behalf. There were certain privileges and a level of respect that came with being Wanheda, and recognised as the girl who brought peace to her people. Clarke would often find the children of Polis eager to carry her bags through the streets, and owners of stalls offer her food and gifts in thanks.

Peacetime also meant that the Sky People were able to walk in the woods freely without fear of being killed. This was how Clarke found herself searching for medicinal herbs with Octavia, Monty and Kane. They were silent through their trek, not wanting to disturb any animals that may be lurking nearby – Clarke had gotten quite adept at quieting her footsteps during her 3 month sabbatical. She was moving towards a shrub with bright blue flowers when she felt the earth move beneath her left foot, a _click_ sounding in the air.

Clarke held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for something to happen though she was not sure what.

“Monty” she whispered harshly, panic beginning to set in. “Monty!”

At her yell, Monty came dashing from behind her, skidding to a halt by her side. Clarke shot her hand out to keep him a safe distance from her.

“What’s up?” He asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

“I stepped on something” Clarke said, taking deep breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. “I stepped on something and it clicked underneath my foot. Do you know what it could be?”

“I, well, it could be anything. It could be nothing” Monty replied, crouching down and pressing his ear to the earth close to Clarke’s foot. “I can’t hear anything, but I didn’t expect to. Why don’t you step off and we can dig it up?”

“What if it’s a bomb Monty? Remember, they used to plant landmines during wars and sometimes they wouldn’t go off, but if you applied weight to it, it would set off a trigger and when that weight is released – boom.”

“Oh shit.” Monty hissed, his eyes wide in terror.

“Yeah, oh shit” Clarke repeated, running her hands through her hair. “What should we do?”

“Get Kane.”

\----

Clarke had been standing as still as a statue for two hours. Her legs had long since gone numb and weightless and her back stung with an ache she felt would never go away.

“We have to do something” Abby said desperately “I can’t lose her too.”

“I know” Kane agreed, grabbing Abby by her biceps to cease her pacing. “Just give Raven some more time so we can see what we’re working with.”

Before the destruction of The Mountain, Raven had been able to retrieve some equipment – an action that saw her learning how to use ground penetrating radar equipment to see what was under Clarke’s foot.

Clarke clenched her fists and rolled her head in circles. The one good thing about being in solitary was that she was used to not being able to move a lot – in fact she could recall standing in the same spot for sixteen hours on one occasion until she dropped with exhaustion.

“Aha!” Raven called out “gotcha sucker.”

The small crowd that had gathered – Monty, Jasper, Kane, Abby, Octavia, Lincoln and Bellamy – moved to Raven’s side, all of them staring at the screen in front of them.

“What is it Raven?” Abby asked, glancing nervously between the screen and Clarke.

“There’s definitely something mechanical under there” Raven confirmed, circling around the object on the monitor with her finger “I can see wires, and what looks like a plate above the body of the device. I’ll have to compare what I’m seeing here with any designs of landmines or different explosives. Because I can’t tell you anything definitive from this. I don’t know if it’s active, I don’t know whether it’s a dud.”

Clarke’s shoulders slumped at the news, and she watched as disappointment and fear enveloped everyone.

“I’ll take her place” Bellamy offered “I’ll slip my foot across and take Clarke’s place.”

“Clarke wouldn’t want that” Abby said, even though she desperately wanted her daughter to be safe.

Clarke’s eyebrows shot up and she resisted the urge to cross her arms over her chest. “Clarke can speak for herself” she said bitterly. “And maybe you guys have forgotten, but I’m here and nobody is telling me a single thing.”

“There’s nothing to worry about sweetie” Abby insisted, her voice shaking slightly. “Raven just needs to find out some more things before we make a decision.”

“Abby.” Kane interjected, gripping onto her hand. “Clarke deserves to know what is going on.”

“Just let me protect her, ok?”

“She doesn’t need your protecting. Clarke has proven her strength, and she has the right to know and to make decisions.” At Abby’s nod, Kane turned his attention to Clarke, walking to stand a metre from her. “Raven can see a device under your foot with wires. She doesn’t know what it is, and is going to compare what she sees with designs for landmines and different explosives. Until then we won’t know what the best course of action will be.”

Clarke nodded and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Two hours later it was Raven who broke the news to her.

“It looks like you’re standing on a bomb Clarke.”

Clarke took a steadying breath and bit her lip. “Do you have any idea how to deactivate it?”

“Not without disturbing the area surrounding it, which could set it off.” Raven explained “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how we’re going to get you out of this.”

\----

Lexa studied the map in front of her, delivered by the Boat Clan. They had begun to venture out into the sea, discovering new lands and bringing back tales of wildlife and other colonies. From what Lexa could tell so far, the maps made by the explorers matched crudely to the maps from the old world.

She was beginning to think of what these findings would mean for her people when the radio clipped to her waist fuzzed with static.

_“Heda, it’s Raven from Skaikru – I need to speak with you urgently.”_

Lexa sat down, crossing one leg over the other, and pressed the button on the side of the radio. “You have my attention Raven.”

“ _She doesn’t know I’m talking to you – but it’s Clarke.”_

“Is she well?” Lexa asked, trying to calm her racing heart and keep her voice level.

While Lexa’s affections for Clarke weren’t well known, they weren’t exactly well hidden either. Many people had picked up on her subtle glances, and the way she became warmer around Clarke. Aden was one of the first to notice – commenting that she looked happy when Clarke was around. Titus had made it his life mission to prevent Lexa’s affections from growing, knowing full well how she fell apart when Costia was taken from her. Clarke seemed oblivious though – bless her cotton socks.

“ _Not exactly”_ came Raven’s static reply. “ _She’s standing on what looks like a bomb.”_

At the words, Lexa sprung from her seat and marched to where her coat hung from a hook on the wall. She threw it over her shoulders and was buckling on her shoulder guard when she responded to Raven. “Where are you Raven? I am leaving now.”

_“You don’t need to do that Heda – I just wanted to know whether you knew anything about these? Whether they can be dismantled or -“_

“Tell me where you are” Lexa repeated, already storming through her door and pointing at her guards to follow. “Or I will have your tongue.”

\----

Clarke’s eyes were closed as she concentrated on staying still when she heard the rushed approach of horses. She opened her eyes in time to see Lexa dismount and storm past the crowd that had gathered, not sparing them a glance.

“Le – Commander.” Clarke straightened her spine against the fatigue and held her head high. “What are you doing here?”

“Raven contacted me on the radio” Lexa explained, clasping her hands behind her back. Her face was void of the black paint that most had gotten used to seeing her in. Her thick black coat buttoned across her chest managed to hide the majority of what she was wearing – a pair of comfortable pants and a baggy shirt she tended to wear in her sparse moments of downtime. Clarke could see though, and her stomach flipped at the thought of Lexa hastily throwing on her coat and shoulder guard when word arrived of her predicament. “I came as soon as I heard.”

“It’s a landmine” Clarke explained “I armed it when I stood on it. Stepping off would make it detonate.”

“Yes, I am aware.” Lexa nodded and turned, beckoning forward a man who stood several paces behind her. He was a large man, muscles bulging beneath his armoured body, with tattoos covering the majority of his face. “This is Lukas. He has volunteered to take your position.”

“It would be an honour to serve Wanheda” Lukas said with a bow of his head.

Clarke shook her head and clenched her fists by her side. “No, no Lukas it’s ok, I’m not letting you do that.”

“Wanheda” Lexa urged, stepping closer to Clarke. “He has volunteered, I did not coerce him, Lukas is willing.”

“I don’t care. I won’t have it.”

“Clarke” Lexa said softer, ignoring the stares of the Sky People. “Lukas has had a long life as a warrior and wants to help you.”

“My brother was in the Mountain” Lukas said, his accent thick and English slow. “You have brought peace to our lands. It would be an honour to sacrifice my life for the leader who helped bring us peace.”

“I didn’t bring peace” Clarke insisted “I brought death and destruction. And I’m not bringing more death to innocent people.”

“Clarke-”

“No Lexa!” Clarke yelled, turning the heads of her loved ones. “No! I am not letting somebody else die for me! I won’t – I won’t let that happen. Not again.”

“We are not sure that he will indeed die Clarke” Lexa reasoned, not paying attention to Abby who now stood by her side. “It is the most logical option. You have an important role in the Coalition and your presence, knowledge and leadership is required.”

“Logical” Clarke repeated sarcastically “of course you go for logical.”

“Clarke if it were me in your position, would you not want Lukas to take my place?” At Clarke’s small nod, she continued “then it is no different.”

“You’re Heda though, so it is different. The Coalition wouldn’t hold without you.”

“The Skaikru have shown that they can crumble easily. They are not strong. The other ambassadors respect you as Wanheda and do not attempt to attack as a result. Without your representation, I suspect Arkadia would fall victim to ruthless raids.”

“But you could stop that – you have to stop that from happening.” Clarke pleaded, her eyes beginning to fill with tears.

Noticing Clarke’s growing distress, Abby interjected. “I think that’s enough Commander.”

Lexa persisted – “Clarke, I vowed to treat your needs as my own. You need to live. I need to ensure this.”

“Lexa.” Clarke whimpered softly, not caring who saw her fall apart. “I am at peace. It is my time. Please, let me go.”

Neither of the pair noticed Abby back away, obviously realising and respecting that this was a private conversation.

“I will not allow that Clarke.”

“I do not need your permission.” Clarke snapped, fury coursing through her veins.

“And I do not need you to die!” Lexa yelled, clenching her fists by her side in anger. “If this is a misguided attempt at getting retribution for what you have done, some sort of valiant sacrifice and cleansing of your past – then let me give that to you! Let me help you rebuild what you have lost, give back to the people for what you have done. This is not where you will lay your head Clarke.”

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and attempted to stop her jaw from trembling with emotion. Her hair clung to her face with sweat, and she itched to move it away from her face. Before she could life a hand, she felt gentle fingers slide to cup her face, pushing her hair behind her ears delicately.

Clarke’s eyes flew open and met Lexa’s immediately. “Get away from me!” She yelled, pushing Lexa back an arm’s length, trying not to cringe at the way Lexa retracted her touch as if she had been burned. “Don’t – don’t get too close…I don’t want…I don’t want this to go off with you around as well. I don’t want to kill you too.”

Lexa nodded sharply, but failed the hide the look of rejection and hurt on her face. For all the strength she portrayed, Lexa knew that she could not mask her weakness in front of Clarke. There was something about her that made her heart jump and caused her to do reckless things.

“I apologise” Lexa said firmly, raising her chin and holding her hands behind her back. “I should not have touched you without your expressed permission.”

“No, no Lexa, I’m sorry” Clarke mumbled, shaking her head “I shouldn’t have reacted so suddenly. I’m just a little tense right now and you were so close…I was worried that it might detonate and take you with me.”

“That would not be one of the worst ways to die” Lexa admitted with a small smile “surely faster than some of the options I’ve been faced with.”

“Hey, you’re not dying today” Clarke said firmly, pointing a finger in Lexa’s direction.

“Neither are you.”

\----

“Why doesn’t she just let Lukas take her spot?” Abby pleaded desperately to Kane. “I can’t lose her, for once why can’t she just listen?”

“Clarke is riddled with guilt and pain for the lives she has already taken.” Lexa said, announcing her presence amongst the small group. Nobody had heard her walk up to where the group were sitting on the ground or pacing around Raven’s equipment. “Clarke estimates that more than 600 people have died at her hand, she understands that these decisions were made at war and is on the path to forgiving herself for these decisions. The life of one man however, is different. We are not at war. Clarke is not special. For all accounts, there is no reason for Lukas to sacrifice himself. While Clarke’s position as an ambassador is extremely beneficial for the Skaikru, she can be replaced. Wanheda knows this.”

Abby stormed over to Lexa, furious at her apparent acceptance of her daughter’s impending death. “How dare you – you don’t know Clarke! That’s my baby girl out there, my daughter! And you’re giving up on her.”

“Abby” Lexa began gently, pulling her shoulders back and straightening her spine so she rose slightly taller. “I hope you are not suggesting that I am abandoning Clarke. I will not take that accusation lightly. While I understand that this is a very stressful time for you, I need you to understand that I have an obligation to my people, to Clarke. While I will do everything in my power to help Clarke, ultimately it is her decision.”

\----

The sun had set and the coldness of the night was creeping in. Lexa resisted the urge to wrap her coat around Clarke’s shoulders, noticing the slight tremor in her body. Everyone was quiet and waiting, the only sound in the stillness being the crackling of a small fire. When Clarke took a deep audible breath, everyone turned to face her.

“I’m done” she murmured, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Baby, please” Abby begged, moving to stand closer to her daughter. “Please let one of us swap with you.”

“No” Clarke responded, her voice not wavering in strength. “No mum. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m ready.”

“I’m not ready though! I’m not ready to lose you too.”

“I’ll be ok…you’ll be ok” Clarke assured her, nodding and giving her mum a small, watery smile. “I’ll get to see dad again. And Wells. I won’t be alone.” She paused and waited for Abby to absorb her words and decision, before continuing. “I would like to say goodbye now.”

\----

Everybody took it in turns to say their goodbyes.

Monty was the first, he stood as close to Clarke as he could and thanked her for being the one to protect them. He cried and hung his head, apologised for not being there for her and giving her the support she needed.

Jasper gave a mumbled apology, looking more guilty than he ever had. Clarke assured him that she understood, she didn’t hold anything against him and that she understood how hard it was to lose someone you loved.

Octavia and Lincoln came together, ever the inseparable couple. Lincoln promised to look after Lexa and ensure that she didn’t do anything rash. Octavia’s lip quivered in one of her few displays of emotion as she said goodbye and turned away from Clarke for the last time.

Bellamy stood awkwardly in front of Clarke, smoothing down his hair in an attempt to tame the mess and look more respectable.

“I’m sorry Clarke” he said “for everything I put you through. I can’t believe I did that to you, I promise I won’t ever be that person again.”

Clarke nodded and shook his outstretched hand.

“See ya Bell.”

Never being one for words, Raven’s goodbye felt the most sincere. She leant against the walking stick she carried and nodded to herself.

“I’m going to miss you” Raven declared strongly. “You’re a good person Clarke.”

“You didn’t always think that” Clarke joked.

“You’re right, I didn’t. But I know that now. You’re a good person, and I’m going to miss you. Tell Finn I say hi.”

Kane didn’t say much. He looked visibly distraught and kept running his hand over his rough beard.

“I wish I could’ve gotten to know you more” Kane admitted “you have shown incredible strength, and power, you could’ve been great. I’m sorry it came to this.”

Abby’s was the longest goodbye. She sat on the ground near Clarke’s feet and sobbed and begged. She pleaded for close to an hour before Kane came to help her stand. She grasped both of Clarke’s arms and the two stood and cried together, sharing their final exchanges of love and respect.

When Lexa finally came, Clarke felt so tired she was ready to collapse.

“Costia always said that expressing emotions was never my strength” Lexa began. “I prefer to take action.” She took a step closer to Clarke and held her gaze. “Please let me take your position. Allow me to lift your burden.”

“Lexa” Clarke sighed “no, no we’ve already been through this I’m not-”

“I vowed to protect you Clarke” Lexa interjected quietly. “You have people who love you and care about you, that much is obvious by everyone here at this moment. I can be replaced. I cannot tell you how I feel, but I can show you” she explained “let my final action be protecting you.”

Clarke shook her head again and dropped her shoulders. “I’m tired of all this Lexa, I don’t want this. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me. There are people who admire you and care for you, I cannot take you from your people.”

“They do not care for me Clarke” Lexa insisted, closing the distance between them so they were less than a metre apart. “They care for Heda, and what I represent. If I die, they will mourn and shift their attention to the next Commander. It is the way it has always been. They do not care for me, for Lexa. I am replaceable.”

“Not to me you’re not” Clark whispered her admission. “I know you Lexa, and if more people knew you like I did, they would care for you too.”

“You are one of the few people in my life who have ever known me as more than Heda. I would like to keep it that way. Heda would not sacrifice herself for one person. But Lexa would – I would sacrifice myself for you. I don’t get to be Lexa very often, but I would like to be Lexa now.” Lexa finished her valiant speech softly, her gaze drifting unsurely and shyly – a characteristic not common for the Commander to display.

“You really do have a way with words” Clarke responded quietly with a small smile. “But I won’t let you do that for me. I need you to respect that.”

Without a word, Lexa nodded stubbornly, her jaw set in an effort to display strength and control over her raging emotions.

“I need to say goodbye Lexa.” Clarke began, watching as Lexa’s eyes began to shimmer with tears and her throat bobbed as she swallowed heavily. “Thank you for everything. For finding me and protecting me in your strange ways. Thank you for being patient, I’m sorry that I-” her words got caught in her mouth, her throat thickening with emotion. “I’m sorry that we never got our chance.”

“I would have waited forever.”

“I know” Clarke’s voice shook at the admission. “I know you would’ve, and I love you for that. I love you for being so understanding and kind and soft with me. For helping me forget, and helping me find the strength within myself to continue when I thought I couldn’t. I love you. And I’m not telling you that because I want to hear it back, I’m telling you because you need to know that you are loved.”

“I wanted to tell you” Lexa whispered, stepping loser to Clarke and reaching her hand out to grasp hers. “When you left Polis for Arkadia to dispose of Chancellor Pike, I wanted to tell you.”

Clarke nodded and replied “I know”.

“I still want to tell you, but I can’t. Even now, I am afraid of what could happen to you if I say it.”

“I know Lexa, it’s ok I know.”

_I know how hard it is for you._

_I know how you feel._

_I know you’re afraid._

_I know you love me too._

So many connotations to the statement ‘I know’.

Moments passed with the pair just gripping hands and being in eachother’s presence before Clarke broke the silence.

“I’m scared” her admission seemed to echo in the quiet of the night.

“I’ll ensure that your death is quick” Lexa responded surely, not breaking Clarke’s gaze. “You have my word.”

“I can’t ask you to do that Lexa.”

“You have not asked Clarke, I am offering.” Lexa gripped Clarke’s hand in both of hers, rubbing her cold skin. “I swear to you that you will not suffer.”

Clarke let out her breath and nodded, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth and closing her eyes. “Alright. I’m ready now.”

“Yu gonplei ste odon Klark.”

Clarke squeezed her eyes and let the tears she had been holding back fall freely down her cheeks.

“In peace may you leave the shore, in love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until….I have forgotten the next line Clarke.”

Despite her predicament, Clarke laughed and continued for Lexa. “Until our final journey to the ground.”

“I know the next part” Lexa interrupted. “May we meet again. We will meet again Clarke. I will not lose you so easily.”

“Thank you. Although, whoever taught you the Traveller’s Blessing obviously didn’t do a good job, seeing as you forgot one of the key themes.” Clarke joked, gripping Lexa’s hands tightly.

“But you are already here Clarke. You made your journey to the ground” Lexa explained. “And now that you are here, I do not want to let you go.”

“You’ll forgive me for this one day.” Clarke brought Lexa’s hands up to her lips and pressed soft kisses against the bruised and worn skin of her knuckles. “Go now Lexa.”

“Ai hod yu in” Lexa whispered like a prayer. With all her remaining strength, she pulled her hands from Clarke’s and walked away.

\----

Finally Clarke was alone.

She watched Lexa retreat, smiling and waving when she kept on turning around. Clarke assumed that the farewell party had gathered a safe distance away, waiting for the explosion that would kill her.

It was odd, waiting for her own death. During her time on the ground, Clarke had fought for her survival what felt like every single day. Now she was willingly stepping away from that fight. Part of her was relieved to know that her struggle to live would be over.

A larger part of her, however, was completely devastated at what she was losing. Potentially years of happiness and peace. She would miss seeing her friends grow old and fall in love. She would miss the first generation of Ark children being brought up on the ground. She would miss seeing the fruition of everything she fought to achieve.

She would never get the chance to rebuild her relationship with her mum.

She would never be able to truly open her heart to Lexa.

She would never have the opportunity to just be Clarke.

While people were losing her, Clarke felt loss too. Loss of what could have been.

Clarke was tired of loss.

“Thank you for having me.” She said aloud, though she knew nobody could hear her.

With a final look at the scenery around her, she stepped off the landmine.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, things have been super hectic. Hope you enjoy it, and any reviews would be great and would totally help lift my mood while I'm on my final nursing placement in a rural town :) Love you guys (sorry this one is shorter)

While Clarke was in solitary, she spent a lot of time thinking about her death, and more importantly, what came afterwards. Part of her reasoned that there was nothing after death, no heaven, not afterlife, nothing. Another more hopeful part of her had wished that when her physical body died, her spirit would go to Earth and she would finally be able to touch the grass and see the night sky.

She had not imagined that her afterlife would be her lying on the grass with her entire body aching, and the weight of another person on top of her.

Though she wasn’t complaining.

Gingerly she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. Everything was the same as before. Literally everything. The tress looked exactly the same, that strange bush was still west of her. Lexa was still there.

_Hang on_

Lexa was lying on top of her, her entire body covering Clarke’s in a protective smother. Clarke could feel Lexa’s belt digging into her stomach, and her gloved hands cradling the back of her head to protect it from her hard ground. Lexa’s breath was heavy in Clarke’s ear, the heat of the ear escaping her nose hitting her neck in sharp bursts. Finally Clarke found her voice.

“What did you do?” She murmured in disbelief.

At her voice, Lexa opened her eyes but made no move to roll off of Clarke. “I believe that the landmine was inactive.”

“You idiot!” Clarke yelled, hitting Lexa in the chest. “You are such an idiot! You could’ve gotten yourself killed, what the hell were you thinking?!”

“I wasn’t thinking” Lexa admitted lowly, a breath coming out in a short gasp as Clarke delivered another weak blow to her chest. “I could not leave you again.”

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut against the tears threatening to spill. She was exhausted and not thinking straight as a result – but honestly, Lexa was an idiot. A big beautiful idiot.

“What if it hadn’t have been inactive? You would’ve been blown to pieces Lexa!”

“It was a risk that had to be taken.” Lexa pushed her arms into the ground, gingerly lifting her body from Clarke’s. She moved her left leg slowly, grimacing at the pain that shot up from her knee at the movement.

Clarke shook her head as she observed Lexa. “You’re hurt.”

“A wise observation.” Lexa gave up on her attempt to stand and instead rolled to her side before pulling her body into a seated position. She grasped her left knee with her hands and immediately noticed its displacement. “Nothing serious” she murmured, holding her breath as she gently manipulated her leg before hearing a satisfying _pop_ as the joint slid back into place. She wiggled her toes in her boot, smiling inwardly as she felt the sensation return to her foot. With a little hobble and a precarious sway, Lexa stood and reached a hand down for Clarke to grab. With a glare she took the Commander’s hand and allowed herself to be pulled from the ground. Her legs wobbled under her weight and she struggled to remain upright, relying on Lexa’s grip to not fall to the ground in a heap.

Still grasping Lexa’s hand, Clarke brought her free hand to cradle Lexa’s cheek, noticing how her skin was wet with tear streaks. “I can’t believe you.”

A small, somewhat shy, smile broke out on Lexa’s face and she turned her head to rest fully in Clarke’s hand. “I am glad that you are alive.”

“Yeah, well, we both could’ve died.” Clarke said, tears still threatening to spill. She felt as though she had emotional whiplash. Just moments ago she had accepted her death and was ready to take it with open arms. She had said her goodbyes and laid herself bare to those she held close to her. She had said things she otherwise would’ve kept quiet for quite some time. “Jesus Christ, Lexa, we could’ve died.”

“I know.”

Clarke took a deep shuddering breath and stepped back from Lexa’s grip. Her hands fell by her side and her shoulders drooped. Lexa could see Clarke struggle to keep her composure and refrained from reaching out to hold her. Clarke’s knees started to tremble and Lexa took a small step forward to grip onto Clarke’s bicep firmly.

“I will take you to see your family and friends” she stated rather than questioned. Without waiting for a response, Lexa started to steer Clarke towards a clearing where everyone waited.

The closer they got, the more Clarke relied on Lexa to carry her weight. She stumbled next to Lexa, her knees buckling under the stress of the day. Wordlessly, Lexa slung Clarke’s right arm around her shoulders and wrapped her left arm around her waist, pulling their bodies close together while practically dragging Clarke’s tired body. Lexa ignored Clarke’s weak protests, carefully navigating her way through the dense shrubbery.

When they finally broke into the clearing, the world fell silent. Eight sets of eyes were lock on Lexa and Clarke, waiting for some kind of confirmation that everything was ok.

“We didn’t hear it go off” Raven said, being the first to stand and move towards the pair. “What happened?”

Lexa readjusted her hold on Clarke, pulling her body to straighten up a bit. At the movement, Clarke lifted her head and answered as loudly as she could. “It was inactive.”

All of a sudden, everybody rushed to their feet and crowded around Clarke and Lexa. Abby pulled Clarke out of Lexa’s arms and held her close, crying and mumbling incoherently into her messy blonde hair.

“I’m ok.” Lexa could hear Clarke assure everyone. “Lexa got to me, I’m ok.”

Lexa held her hands behind her back and stepped out of the commotion, standing on the outskirts to watch the interactions occur. She watched as Clarke was almost passed around from person to person, all but collapsing into waiting arms. Over the crowd, Lexa met Clarke’s desperate gaze, her eyes tired and pleading for a way out. Lexa cleared her throat and walked over to where Kane was hugging Clarke. She placed her hand on Kane’s shoulder firmly and waited.

“Clarke is very tired” she said with confidence and strength. “She needs her rest.”

“Of course, of course.” Kane agreed, holding Clarke out at an arm’s length. “We’re so glad you’re ok.”

Clarke just nodded and smiled weakly, gladly accepting Lexa’s strong hold. She ignored Octavia’s smirk and Abby’s questioning gaze as she led Clarke over to the horse she had arrived on.

With the help of Lexa’s guards, Clarke was hoisted up to sit in front of Lexa. The Commander shuffled her body forward, her body moulding into Clarke’s.

She gripped the reins and leant forward to speak quietly into Clarke’s ear.

“Let’s get you home.”

\----

When they arrived back at Arkadia, they were greeted with crowds of people waiting. Apparently word had travelled of Clarke’s predicament and the people had been anxiously awaiting for news. Lexa silently ushered Clarke through the crowds and into the metal remains of The Ark. She was soon joined by Abby and Raven who helped to lead the pair to the medical facility. Once they stepped foot into the clean bright room, Lexa steered Clarke to a bed and sat her down. She went to leave but was stopped by a strong hand gripping onto her wrist.

“Stay” Clarke all but ordered her, her hand slipping down Lexa’s wrist to fall into her hand. “Please.”

Lexa nodded in answered and pulled a chair next to the bed Clarke was moving to lie down on. She sat and watched as Abby expertly cannulated Clarke and hung a bag of fluids to assist in her rehydration. Clarke was hooked up to machines that beeped for reasons unknown to Lexa – Clarke had never had the opportunity to explain this technology to her.

Despite her protests, Abby gave Clarke a sedative, citing that her body was exhausted and needed an unbroken sleep. Clarke’s head rolled on the pillow to face Lexa as Abby slowly injected the cloudy white substance into her IV line. Her eyes were noticeably filled with fear.

“I am here” Lexa assured her, reaching out to push hair from Clarke’s sweaty forehead. “You are safe. I will keep you safe.”

Clarke’s eyes drooped shut, her body finally giving in to the onslaught of sedatives.

Lexa let out a sigh and fell back into the chair, though she kept her hand threaded in Clarke’s hair, gently massaging her scalp. Abby stood at the foot of the bed and watched the otherwise stoic Commander drop her guard for a moment.

“You love her.”

Lexa lifted her head and confidently met Abby’s eyes. “I have for some time” she admitted, felling the weight lift from her shoulders at the confession.

“But you still hurt her.” Abby crossed her arms over her chest and took a somewhat possessive stance.

“I know.” Lexa swallowed thickly “that was never my intention. When you’re in a position as I am in, you do not have the privilege to live the life you want, to make the decisions that you want to. I never wanted to hurt her.” Lexa ran her hand through Clarke’s hair, smiling gently at her as she slept, her brow furrowed even in rest. “I never wanted to leave her.”

“You went back for her” Abby stated “you went back even though you knew you could die as well.”

“I wasn’t going to leave her alone again. I didn’t know whether the bomb was active or not, all I knew was that I was not going to leave Clarke alone again. Costia was taken from me and died alone. I was not going to let that happen to someone else I…to someone else I love.”

“Clarke will always be my little girl, and all I want for her is to be safe and happy.” She walked around the bed to stand in front of Lexa, kneeling so they were eye level. “You’ve kept her safe, and she’s always brighter after she’s been with you. I don’t like what’s happened, and I don’t always agree with your ways, but I am willing to learn. I want to learn about you Lexa, not the Commander, I want to know the person that my daughter is smitten with.”

Lexa nodded and turned from Abby, moving her gaze to watch Clarke breath. “First I must talk with Clarke.”

\----

Clarke spent the day recovering in bed, refusing to stay still for any longer than she needed to. There had been a loud argument with Abby over the short recovery time, but Clarke had insisted that she would rest for one day or she would not rest at all. Lexa remained in the seat next to Clarke, delegating any _Heda_ tasks to the Nightbloods who were eager to impress their absent leader. At some point during the day, Clarke had threaded her fingers through Lexa’s, gripping her hand in a hold so tight Lexa began to lose feeling to the tips of her fingers.

“We should probably talk.” Clarke suggested with a small shrug of her shoulders. “We probably should’ve talked about this a long time ago.”

Lexa nodded and pulled her shoulders back, her posture immaculate and oozing strength. “Yes.” She took a breath and played with Clarke’s fingers, the action betraying her attempt to convey fearlessness. “You were very stressed yesterday, you were emotional and I understand if you wish for me to forget what you said. People will say anything when death awaits them.”

“Lexa” Clarke said softly. “I meant every word of what I said.”

“As did I” Lexa agreed. The two sat in a comfortable silence for a moment before Lexa continued. “I will wait. For as long as you need, I will wait.”

Clarke’s face softened and she smiled gently. “I won’t be long.”

“There is no rush” Lexa insisted. “You are here. It will take as long as it takes.”

“Just don’t go and do something stupid before I’m ready” Clarke joked, though there was a seriousness to her statement. “Don’t go running into danger or pushing people off of landmines. Ok?”

“You are the only one I would run blindly into danger for.” Lexa admitted, bringing Clarke’s hand up to her lips to press a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “We will face this danger together.”

Clarke grinned and her heart swelled. The otherwise quiet room filled with the frantic beeping of Clarke’s cardiac monitor. “Don’t worry I’m ok, that’s just my heart, it’s just going a bit fast. I’m just excited and nervous about this.” She explained in response to Lexa’s frantic and concerned look. “But I know we will get through this. Together.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't kill me <3 
> 
> Would love you heart what you guys thought (I found it really difficult to write Lexa, so that was an interesting experience). 
> 
> The second part will be up within the next fortnight hopefully.


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